


trivial excuses

by DonutDemon30



Series: transgender dysphoria blues [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Idealization, Trans Pearl (Steven Universe), self discipline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 09:59:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6951835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonutDemon30/pseuds/DonutDemon30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>pearl self-harms over serious things and also trivial things</p>
<p>just a vent fic. don't read if youre not okay with the tags. read the fucking tags.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trivial excuses

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of my other trans pearl fic but like. a oneshot. but still in that universe you feel
> 
> just doing this so I don't actually fuck myself up ha

Open scissors, broken shaving razors, disabled pencil sharpeners, fresh x-acto knives. They all bring Pearl relief. From her dysphoria to her school stress and everything in between. Once she moved out, it became harder to acquire her “tools”. She'd have to steal them from her friends houses, her work or on the rare occasion of her parents wanting her to visit, their house. It was a problem, maybe even an addiction. But in her eyes, it was worth it. 

Worth it to see the fresh pinpricks of blood begin to leak from the tiny slit created. The feeling of a deep cut. The crimson liquid leaking down her thighs and hips. She'd make more, in the end she would have dozens. It was hard to stop once she started. It didn't matter though. Nothing beat the satisfaction of looking down and seeing the fresh cuts and old scars. It made her feel beautiful. Just like she did when she was first able to wear dresses. Being able to look in the mirror and have the freedom of controlling her own body. What goes on it and what happens to it. It's one of the few things she can control.

She doesn't need much reason. There's the obvious times she does it. Like when people call her “sir” or “he” or her dead name. When she had a particularly hard day at school. When she just feels sad. And the less obvious reasons. When she has nothing to do or she just feels like her body needs a new scar. When her body decides to get a little too excited about a trivial thing and rewards her with a boner. When she doesn't push herself to be feminine enough when she goes out, resulting in her being misgendered. She triggers herself a lot of the time.

She does these things to herself as if it will make her feel “normal”. Pearl isn't even sure what her normal is anymore. It just is what it is and if it doesn't feel right, she turns to self-harm. Sometimes it doesn't help but there's always the hope that it will. It helps less and less but she remains optimistic that it'll get better if only she cuts more or a little deeper. 

One day she may end up dead because of what she does to herself. Pearl realizes this and finds slight comfort in it. She's okay with that. An indirect suicide seems better than a direct one. Maybe then people would realize that she was serious. That she was actually depressed when she said she was. That her gender identity wasn't a phase. That her life was a serious thing and not just something people controlled for their own self closure. 

She's afraid of death still. But the fear of never being accepted as who she is outweighs the former.


End file.
